


growth

by popnographic



Series: Rarepair drabbles [12]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Arguing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 18:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5550644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popnographic/pseuds/popnographic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sousuke's bad habit of saying things as they are without glossing them over causes a falling out with the one he loves, and he's terrified of losing him, yet has no idea how to save his relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	growth

**Author's Note:**

> Sorta based on Tumblr user [johanndro](http://johanndro.tumblr.com)'s art, found [here](http://johanndro.tumblr.com/post/135867439454/when-will-you-forgive-me-its-two-daysthat-i). Man, the ridiculous backlash I received on Tumblr when I said I wanted to write this. SouMako deserve more love. (... I say as I write 'em in an angsty setting. Good going.)
> 
> Honestly, when people tell me NOT to write something, it just motivates me that much more to actually do it. Spite, I guess.

It’s been two days, but to Sousuke, it feels like weeks. He deserves this, though, because what he said to Makoto is unforgivable, and while it’s a little too late for _this_ time, Sousuke really needs to learn how to keep some of his thoughts and opinions to himself. He knows Makoto doesn’t respond well to some things; things that will most certainly shake his self-confidence, things that put down or criticise any of his friends. Yet this time, Sousuke hadn’t managed to keep his thoughts to himself, and that’s what had them end up like this.

The first night, they slept with their backs turned to each other, neither of them turning around even once. Sousuke barely got any sleep that night because of the knot in his stomach, and he’s pretty sure Makoto was in a similar state. Maybe he should’ve slept under the kotatsu in their living room instead to give Makoto space, but if Makoto _really_ hadn’t wanted him there, he would’ve let Sousuke know in one way or another.

Since the fight, they haven’t spoken a word to each other. Sousuke’s too afraid to say anything, because he feels like he’s walking on _very_ thin ice right now, and that their relationship might be hanging on a thread. He tells himself he should probably give it a few days for it to settle down a bit, but after only two days, he finds himself getting _really_ desperate.

When the two go to bed the second night after their argument, Sousuke first lies with his back turned to Makoto much like the night prior. He stares at the wall, frowns at it, wants to yell at it because it isn’t want he wants to look at. He wonders if what, or who, he _really_ wants to look at is that much better, because at least staring at a wall doesn’t stab him in the gut with guilt and sadness.

He decides to try regardless, and turns over to instead stare at the back of Makoto’s head. Like expected, it isn’t that much better, but he feels closer to Makoto this way, even if they’re emotionally miles apart from each other, Makoto being the one deciding just how far apart they are, and for how long. For how long they’re going to be like this; not talking to each other, Makoto acting like Sousuke doesn’t exist. Makoto not thanking Sousuke for dinner like he usually does, fawning over how amazing it is, how much he loves it, how thankful he is to Sousuke for always making him dinner.

Reluctantly, very slowly, Sousuke scoots closer to Makoto. This might be a dumb idea—he’s aware of the risks involved in such a trivial thing—but he’s getting desperate, and he isn’t going to just let their relationship run out in the sand like this. Makoto’s never going to end things by his own words or actions, Sousuke knows that much. Makoto will let things be the way they are, because even if he’s mad at Sousuke, he’s never going to _leave_ him, no matter how much he may want to. Sousuke has to change his mind, mend things, and to do that, he needs to take risks.

Sousuke slowly brings one arm around Makoto’s middle, and Makoto inhales sharply at the sudden touch, but doesn’t move away. Sousuke wedges his other arm in under Makoto so that he can properly embrace his boyfriend, who might not even _be_ his boyfriend that much longer, and Makoto still doesn’t move. He’s lying perfectly still, and Sousuke would’ve normally thought Makoto were asleep right now. But Sousuke knows he _isn’t_ , he’s probably going to lie awake for a while from now, so he takes the opportunity, takes a risk.

“Makoto… I’m—I’m sorry. I say things the wrong way, and I hurt people. I always do, but fuck… I didn’t ever want to hurt _you_. I love you. I _need_ you. It’s been two days, and I’m going insane. I can’t do this.”

“You think it’s easier for me?”

Sousuke recoils at the sudden sound of Makoto’s voice, a voice he hasn’t heard since their fight two days earlier. He doesn’t know what to make of it; how to interpret Makoto’s tone, his words, any of it. When Makoto sniffles, when there’s a little hiccup, and his body tenses up to probably try and contain most of his sadness and anger, Sousuke knows there isn’t anything more he can do.

So he swallows hard, and lets go. Gets out of bed, takes his pillow, and exits their bedroom. Grabs a blanket from their hallway closet, and parks himself beneath their kotatsu, turning up the heat to medium. Despite the heat, Sousuke feels cold, and he knows he’ll just have to get used to it.

 

* * *

 

They don’t talk to each other for another four days. Sousuke makes sure to stay out of the house as much as he can, and while he doesn’t really know, he’s pretty sure Makoto’s doing the same thing. He spends a lot of his time with Rin, and he feels bad that his best friend has to have his privacy invaded so much because Sousuke’s too afraid to be at home. There’s nothing there for him, anyway, and he hates the perpetual silence that just feels deafening more than anything.

He only goes home to shower and sleep; Rin providing him with the food and company he needs. Thankfully, Rin understands without Sousuke having to tell him everything. He still doesn’t want to believe it’s real, and the fact that he doesn’t have to verbally speak it out loud only makes him fall deeper into denial, but for now, that’s what he feels like he needs in order to heal. In time, though, he knows he and Makoto will have to talk, and either properly break up, or fix things. Being in a state of limbo is not only mentally taxing, it’s also preventing them both from moving on, from resuming their lives properly.

The silence at Rin’s house is a silence Sousuke can cope with. It’s the comfortable kind, where he doesn’t feel the need to fill it with meaningless small talk, music or other sounds. He lies on his stomach, half of his body underneath the kotatsu, and he’s reading one of Rin’s comics that he’s had lying around for probably years. Sousuke never bothered trying to read it, and now he sees why. He and Rin may be similar in many regards, but this is not one of them.

Rin’s and Sousuke’s comfortable silence is pierced and disrupted by the sudden and very shrill ringing of Rin’s doorbell. He gets up from the floor with a groan, gesturing lazily with a wave that he’ll be back soon. Sousuke shrugs to himself, and continues reading, until he hears the voices out in the hallway. He drops the comic onto the floor, and completely freezes.

“… talk to him.”

“Well, uh, he’s… here. Obviously. Do you wanna come in?”

“Actually, could you ask him to come out?”

Sousuke tries to will his heartbeat to slow down, because it’s becoming increasingly difficult for him to hear anything with it thundering in his ears. Rin comes back in, and Sousuke knew he had that grave expression on Rin’s face to expect once he did.

“Makoto’s here. He wants to talk.”

“Oh,” he says, though he knows he doesn’t sound as surprised as he’d been to hear Makoto’s voice just a minute ago.

“Go out there, talk to him. I’m tired of having your ass loitering around my flat all the time.”

“Thanks.”

“You know what I mean.”

He does. There’s a reason he’s best friends with Rin, and has been for so many years. Sure, they’ve had their fights and arguments, but they’ve always managed to get past them—or just sweep them under the rug ‘for another day’—and Sousuke feels like that’s got to count for _something_.

Still feeling nervous, and conflicted in whether or not he wants to do this, Sousuke gets out from underneath the kotatsu, and walks out into the hallway. His breath hitches in his throat when he sees Makoto, and he wants to look away, but knows he shouldn’t.

“Hey,” he offers lamely.

“Hi, Sousuke. Can we… talk? At home, maybe?”

 _That’ a ten-minute walk. Ten minutes of complete silence_ , he thinks to himself, feeling even _less_ like doing this.

“Yeah,” Sousuke replies. Now or never, really.

The two say goodbye to Rin before they begin walking back to an apartment that Sousuke doesn’t feel entitled to calling ‘theirs’. Maybe _he_ feels like the argument wasn’t a big thing, and like Makoto’s just overreacting, but he also _knows_ how sensitive Makoto can be to those things. And yet Sousuke had to punch a hole in Makoto’s self-esteem as if he _didn’t_ know this.

He lets Makoto walk inside first, and then closes the door quietly behind them, barely hearing the click as it shuts. As expected, the silence hanging in the air is very much unbearable, and Sousuke’s getting to the point of actually preferring the two fighting rather than not even _talking_.

“Listen,” Makoto begins, “I… shouldn’t have gotten so mad. You were right.”

“What?”

“You’re right; I _am_ spineless, I _don’t_ stand up for myself when I probably should, and I put everyone else above myself at all times. I always have, and it’s a bad habit I want to change. If—if you’d be willing to help me with that. I’m sorry, Sousuke.”

Sousuke frowns, and wills himself to not explode on Makoto right now, even though he really wants to. This isn’t what they need, what they _do_ need is a mature, calm discussion. He’s done fighting with Makoto, and never wants to do it ever again if he can help it.

“You don’t have anything to apologise for. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You should have,” Makoto insists. “I need someone to not sugarcoat things. And even though you… _really_ don’t sugarcoat things and I’m not used to that, I should get used to it. You’re the reality check I’ve wanted and needed for a long time, and it just took me this long to realise. That’s why I’m apologising.”

Sousuke opens his mouth to say something back, to continue telling Makoto _not_ to apologise, but he ends up closing his mouth again, and finally losing the courage to look Makoto straight in the eyes. To his own surprise, he laughs; a low, quiet, monotone laugh, but at the same time, he feels like crying.

“Why are you laughing?”

“I don’t deserve you. I basically called you a spineless coward, and you tell me I was _right_ in doing so? What kind of an idiot calls his _boyfriend_ something like that? Not a good one, that’s for sure.”

Makoto’s taken him into his arms before Sousuke has a chance to realise what’s going on. His eyes widen in shock, and his body is too stunned to move, to return the embrace.

“You may not be perfect,” Makoto admits, “but you’re _you_. I’m dating you—no, I _love_ you for who you are. Okay? So, fine, you have a foul mouth and can be brutally honest, but that’s what makes you who you are. And I’m just gonna have to get used to that. I don’t want to change any aspect in you for you to fit my liking, Sousuke.”

“I should probably still not say things like that,” he stubbornly argues, grumbling.

“I don’t want you to lie to me. And I’m not gonna lie to you, either, or hide things.” He walks closer, minimising the distance between them, and Sousuke doesn’t move. “I’m tired of glossing over things, and others doing the same. And maybe I react so badly to it when you don’t, because I’m used to the other way around.”

Maybe this is just Makoto’s way of telling Sousuke he finally wants to ‘grow up’, to stop covering his eyes and ears whenever there’s something he doesn’t want to hear or see that could shake his self-confidence, his view on things. No matter how much they try, their relationship won’t last long with both of them tiptoeing around certain subjects or trying to gloss things over when they _need_ to hear the truth as is.

“Okay,” Sousuke finally says, knowing there’s no use in arguing against Makoto in this. He knows it’s probably for the better, too, and knowing they’ll both try their best to lay all their cards out on the table makes it easier. “I won’t gloss things over,” he continues, and Makoto smiles, something that makes Sousuke nearly emotional because of its absence in the past few days. A few days without sunshine and warmth, and now it’s all right there, within his reach.

“Sousuke, I love you,” Makoto suddenly says without a hint of hesitation in his voice, and Sousuke takes Makoto into his arms at that, doesn’t think, because he doesn’t need to. He tightens his embrace, takes in Makoto’s scent, closes his eyes, sighs through his nose in relief at the fact that they’re back to the way they were. The way things _should_ be.

Makoto reaches up a hand to let his fingers run through Sousuke’s hair, and the silence that follows is, finally, one Sousuke feels comfortable with.

**Author's Note:**

> [radiodread](http://radiodread.tumblr.com) @ tumblr


End file.
